I Don't Know Why Appliances Are Writing To Me, But I Don't Like It

According to Wired magazine, the robots will be replacing us soon, but we'll enjoy it because of all the reasons techy people think a world without people will be better. I would have thought so too, until this morning. I was excited when I got a new printer, and it had its own email address, so you could print from anywhere in the world by sending the file to the printer. But this morning, the printer started sending me emails offering me coupons.

"I Often Wonder What The Vintners Buy One Half So Precious As The Goods They Sell."

Which goes double for IHOP. To paraphrase more from the Rubaiyat, A loaf of bread, a jug of syrup, and thou beside me in the wilderness...
In the first twenty-two hours I was off my diet I went up one pant size. And that was before even opening the syrup. Curse you, Chef Boyardee, and your ravioli that don't even have to be chewed, and curse you, Costco, for selling them in eight-packs.
Anyway, I'd like to stay here and tell you more, but the English muffins, Doritos and Triscuits aren't going to eat themselves, at least, not if I get to them.

Great White Winter And Whales

I woke up this morning at the usual time. As, I often do, I checked the weather on my iPhone before getting up, saw that it was 12ºF below zero, smiled and went back to sleep, because I'm on vacation. Later, my phone woke me up to tell me that it was Christmas Eve. I couldn't believe I'd slept straight through the weekend, and I hadn't, of course. Apple, my favorite company ever, has really started to toy with my affections. I stumped the Apple Geniuses last weekend with a Time Machine problem and I didn't even get a t-shirt.
Still, I'm on vacation, Shaun of the Dead is trending on twitter, Let's Pretend This Never Happened by +Jenny Lawson  was recommended on the Today Show, and I'm still on vacation.
And speaking of books, and awkward segues, I've been listening to Moby Dick. Listening to it is easier than reading it;  some of the long tedious passages are actually mildly amusing in a tedious way, and sometimes it's possible to zone out briefly while the book rolls on, which never happens in a  paper book if you don't remember to turn the page. I find that I can sort of identify with Captain Ahab. Not with his monomaniacal passion because I take Zoloft and even before the Zoloft, I was too lazy and easily distracted (look, a bird)  to sail halfway around the world, or around the block, even, for revenge. But because we're the same age, and he's apt to launch into long rambling self-absorbed speeches about how special he is.
I really, really, identify with the whale, covered as he is in all that blubber, and having an implacable universe hurling harpoons at him every time he tries to catch his breath. I mean, of course, no one has ever hurled a harpoon at me, it's a metaphor. Jeez.

Judg Not

I walked by a Planet Fitness today at the mall. They had a sign that said, "No Judgement Zone." I just smirked, "You mean 'No Judgment Zone,' losers."
It's that time of year when I explain why I don't like to do a Christmas letter. I assume if you read this blog, you already know more than you want to about us, and if you don't read it, you do already know more about us than you want to.
The other day, I was chatting with a Words With Friends friend. She's had health issues for years, and we were comparing notes.  I told her, "I took Karen to a doctor today about an infection. She's had various infections over the last few months. I asked if all the antibiotics she's taken could be breeding a superbug. They showed me me recent test results and the answer is, yes, more than one. So, to sum up, she has doctor induced dementia, doctor induced scoliosis and now, gun carrying e coli. And, oh, guess what? I've got glaucoma!"
That's a Christmas letter right there.
Karen was saying something annoying the other day. I told her, "Aargh, it's so unfair, I'm going blind instead of deaf!"

You Say Tomato, I Say...

When I was a kid, we called this bait:

In My Defense, I Was Very Cold When I Wrote This

It's been colder than normal for several weeks here. The weather service has been predicting warmer weather for awhile, but I don't think, "someday" is very scientific.
My hands have been painfully cold, but you know the old saying, "Glove hurts."
Or as the electricians would have it, " Love hertz."

Medical Updates

When Dr. Oz says that Metamucil "escorts cholesterol out of the body," it implies a much more orderly process than is in fact the case.
And then, in more medical news, I don't know what these kids on my route were doing this afternoon, but when I walked by, my glaucoma was cured.

Actor, Comedian, Banjo Player, Is There Anything Steve Martin Doesn'tKnow?

No.

Very Few Porn Stars Become Legitimate Actors

Do any Fox News reporters ever go on to work at real news operations?