Monday, May 30, 2011

The Words Of The Prophet Are Written On Facebook Walls

Our philosophers are seven year olds on youtube.  And does anybody really know what time it is? Because apparently the world's most precise clock is about to reveal that the whole universe is just a hologram. That could explain why the only recent comment I got on this blog was referring to something from my so-called real life.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Long Time Readers Will See This Coming

A customer told me today that she was treated so rudely at the post office that she decided she wanted to work there so she could be rude too.
"We're not rude," I told her, "Shut up!"

I want to tie up a couple of loose ends from conversations I've had recently.

A book about wicked plants.

A book about wicked cooks.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Cracking The Code or, Do You Think It's A Coincidence That Tom Hanks Hosted The Last Super Show

I've been listening to some of the fawning flattery being heaped on Oprah as she prepares to transition to her own network. Sample: "You have enlightened us, you have empowered us and you have taught us how to be."
Just as light can be bent by gravity,  I think perhaps Harold Camping's calculations of doomsday were thrown off by the gravitas surrounding Oprah's ascension.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Good News For My Daughters

I'm reading the Psychopath Test, a book that is, unsurprisingly, about psychopaths, or, really, psychopathology.  Here's a passage from the book that contains an e-mail exchange between a psychiatrist and the author:
 "But Bob Hare and us have always agreed that psychopaths are born that way and not created by controlling mummies and weak fathers."
"That's lucky," I e-mailed back, "as I am a weak father and my wife is a controlling mummy."
The bad news for everyone else is that psychiatrists claim that since psychopaths love power, the ones that don't end up in prison, end up at the top of society. Finally, an explanation for Donald Trump, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bill Gates and Dominique Strauss-Kahn that makes sense.
Especially useful now that economist, Simon Johnson says that we are living in a classic oligarchy.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

It's Google's Planet, We're Just Along For The Ride

Google maps said we were embarking on a bike ride, six miles out and six miles back. It was more like 11.1 miles each way, which  is why this is so laden with emotional resonance, although a little racier than I remember it.

Roll On

Yesterday, after I handed a couple their parcel, while they looked through the crushed box to see if anything had survived, and before they even had a chance to ask,  I told them all about my podcast playlist, and about listening to WBUR on my iPhone. After I finished up with a brief plug for Podrunner, I said, "My work here is done," and walked off with their mail.

Now,  I'm supposed to be getting ready for a bike ride. Since I've been doing push-ups three times a week, my tight fitting bike clothes really show off my well defined rolls of fat. Even sadder, these bike clothes aren't supposed to be tight.

Monday, May 16, 2011

This Post Inspired By A Wadded Up Piece Of Mail

I read an article that said that people who are flexible often have more flexible arteries so that yoga can lead to improved cardiac health which is why it's kind of depressing that although I can wrinkle I can't bend.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Friday, May 13, 2011

His Friends Call Him Gordy

My dad used to say, "If you want to do something, you have to something else first."
 Today we were planning on taking a couple of loads of trash to the dump. We filled the truck for the first load and then tried to use our ratcheting tie-downs to secure the load. The thing is though, I like having ratcheting tie-downs because just saying it makes me feel manly, but the truth is, I can never get them to ratchet, and if I do, then I can never get them loose. Today I could only find one, probably because I've had to cut them off at the dump or something. I, as usual, couldn't get the hang of the ratchet, so I tied a trucker's knot. Well, it was a trucker's knot, if the the trucker was named Gordias.
Just as we were leaving, I noticed that the tags on the truck had expired, and it seemed like before we went to a municipal facility, we should get that resolved, so took our truck and trash to an Xpress Lube for a quick IM and new tags, but after the test, their computer couldn't connect with DMV. So we braved a trip to the dump, and then stopped by Home Depot for some non-ratcheting tie downs, tie downs for dummies, as it were.
Then, on to DMV. The mechanic at Xpress Lube had mentioned that the VIN on the registration didn't match the one on the truck. We mentioned it to the clerk at DMV, who reacted as if we'd said that Xpress Lube had said our truck was switched at birth, or on a milk carton, "Have you seen this truck?" Anyway, to make a long story longer, it only required a trip home for more documents and back to DMV, but by then it was too late for me to go, or for another trip to the dump because I had to take Karen for a doctor's appointment.
Well, not really, because we had to wait for over an hour for the doctor, who took a phone call and a text message while he was with us. His summary, "I think she's going to have swollen legs for the rest of her life."

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Newt Gingrich Announces For The Presidency

He's been flirting with running for president for a long time. I guess that's better than flirting with his mistresses like he usually is.

Drug cartels in Mexico have killed 35,000 people in the last five years. Western Union and major US banks have been implicated in helping them launder as much as $30 billion a year. The ATF watched hundreds of guns being smuggled into Mexico, but lost track of them after they crossed the border and never notified the Mexican government. One of the guns was used to kill an American border patrol officer. The money flow to the cartels would dry up almost completely if drugs were decriminalized in America. Should we be talking about this? Probably.
The lead story on all the networks on Monday? Arnold and Maria have split up. I think Newt's got a chance.

Sunday, May 08, 2011

Marine Mammals Say Semper Fi

We watched the pilot for the Dick Van Dyke show last week. The amazing thing; Dick Van Dyke wasn't even in it. In fact, the only person we'd ever even seen before was Carl Reiner, and he was playing Rob Petrie.
Karen celebrated Mother's Day today by going to my favorite restaurant, iHop. I went along, too. Among other things, we split a chicken fried steak. That's a meal that's unhealthy and spicy enough to be fair food. Looking around, I realized that even though this week everyone in America wants to be a SEAL, we look more like walruses.

Saturday, May 07, 2011

Like A Phage Out Of Water

Do you know that there is a virus that eats half the bacteria in the ocean every day? That must be one huge virus.  It's like I've got a twin.
The other day, Karen thought she could walk without a walker or a cart;  she toppled right over and hit her head on a concrete curb. We called her doctors, who helpfully told us, "If it's an emergency, go to the emergency room." We've had some experience with that, so we thought we'd eat first, and that was so much fun, we never did get to the emergency room, even though after two full bags of Doritos, I could have used a little stomach pumping. I checked on Karen every couple of hours all through that night, and she didn't seem any more concussed than normal, so today I went back to work, if not on my diet. In fact, as I'm typing this, my fingers are stained orange with the Dorito badge of shame.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Ye Shall Not Eat Of It...Lest Ye Die. And The Serpent Said Unto The Woman, Ye Shall Not Surely Die...

I am so close to my goal weight that I can taste it. It's like Popeye's deeply fried chicken. Or two mounds of vanilla ice cream just beginning to soften; glistening chocolate sauce melting into them and then flowing silkily down their sides. And waffles with syrup bulging at the top of each square before overflowing onto the dish to be reabsorbed in a continuous cycle of delicious renewal. Which is why this is probably as close as I'll ever get.

Ah well, I'm in good company, as Solomon said, "All the labour of man is for his mouth, and yet the appetite is not filled."

Sunday, May 01, 2011

I Know It Was Judgmental, But I Didn't Think My Former Tenant's Children Would Even Go To College. Apparently, I Was Wrong.

The Associated Press

Published: April 30th, 2011 09:13 PM
Last Modified: April 30th, 2011 09:13 PM

FAIRBANKS -- The sewer system at the University of Alaska Fairbanks Fine Arts Complex has suffered $15,000 in damage, and campus maintenance workers think they've found the culprit: Children's socks.

The Fairbanks Daily News-Miner reported the socks have been flushed down toilets in the facility's lower level since December.
When campus officials posted signs requesting the sock-flusher or flushers to stop, 40 socks were flushed down the toilets in one week.
Maintenance superintendent Bill Cox said campus officials are powerless to stop the sock assault.
The socks are making it through the toilets, but are getting caught in a series of pump motors at a lift station.
The maintenance staff has a 30-gallon bucket nearly full of socks retrieved from the sewer system.

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