Sunday, October 30, 2016

You Can't Argue With That

Karen and I are cleaning the house because we have an appraiser coming tomorrow. I've been telling her that appraisers are trained to look beyond appearances, to ignore the squalor, and render a fair and reasoned estimate.

Her compelling counter argument is, "You  always say that, and you're always WRONG."

My Dad Used To Say, "You Can Lead A Horse To Water, But You Can't Make Him Float On His Back."

I liked the comments on this post. Especially mine.

Friday, October 28, 2016

Over on FB, someone commented on my light fixture story with their own tale of fluorescent mayhem. I replied, "Nothing like the satisfaction of a job well done, I'm told. One of the light fixtures is right over my bed, so now I'm like the electrician of Damocles."

You Also Don't Have To Follow Me On Twitter

Given how unlikely it is, I’m surprised Trump hasn’t taken up the issue of razor blades in Halloween candy.

Maybe we should shut down trick or treating till we figure out what the hell is goin on.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

But They're So Cuddly

Good news: the light fixtures are up in the bedroom.

Bad news: apparently we've been raising dust bunnies in the corners.

This Little Light of Mine

So, the basement being dry (thanks, Drain Masters) it seemed like a good time to put a light fixture in the ceiling. Arlene, once again I should have remembered what your mom told me years ago, "It shouldn't be hard." So, the bad news is that by using the wrong parts, I may have damaged the fixture. The good news, I guess, is that I have the brawn to TEAR METAL. Although  in the brains v brawn struggle, I'd always hoped to come down on the brain side, because those guys can have light fixtures.

Oddly, Drains Not Draining Is Draining

Using a shop vac to suck up water all over basement floor from the plugged up washing machine drain. Job secure since the shop vac hose banged into the washing machine dial and started flood all over again while my back was turned.
I'd rather be spending time telling people about #MargaretStock.

Maybe you could talk amongst yourselves about her while I play the role of Sisyphus and Noah's love child. The role of Judas is being played by the Shop vac.

All Natural, Naturally

Today, scientists announced that cranberry extract is ineffective in preventing bladder infections in elderly ladies.

Coincidentally, our independent research today revealed that cranberry JUICE, which is full of many chemicals not found in the extract, makes an indelible stain.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

You Never Know What You'll Find

I was searching for my 1961 phone book, which led me to search Robert Benchley for a quote I apparently can't remember about something coming to hand (after a two-hour search). I found the phone book, and also this from Robert Benchley. Even though this was written about 80 years ago, it's still surprisingly timely.
"When we worry," says the doc, "every gland in the body pours energizing juices into the brain. It is the body's way of preparing the mind to meet an emergency. The biological purpose of worry is to enable you to get up steam."

* * * * *
Following are a set of worrying exercises for sluggish natures. Get those energizing juices to flowing!
Position No. 1.—On arising stand facing an open window. (Not too wide open, as, if you get to worrying too well, you may fly out.) Place the hands lightly on the hips and think: "On the fifteenth that big insurance premium comes due. On the fifteenth the income tax is due. On the fifteenth I shall be just eight hundred dollars short of meeting them." Repeat this ten times and then exhale.
Position No. 2.—Lie flat on your back, with your legs in the air, and run over in your mind the age at which you find yourself, the amount of money you have saved, the probable number of years left, and what chances you will have of getting a ten-year guest-card at the Home for Aged Men. As soon as the energizing juices have reached your feet lower them and adopt a sitting posture on the floor. Sit that way all day, with your chin in your hand.
Position No. 3.—Stand in front of a mirror and look at your stomach.
Position No. 4.—Wake yourself up in the middle of the night, lie flat on your back in bed and look at the ceiling. Then figure out just how you would get out of the house in case of fire, what you would do first if that pain in your side should turn out to be acute appendicitis, or how you would face an actual werewolf.
Position No. 5.—Just stop to think about anything.

Sunday, October 09, 2016

This is Happening Right Now

College Village, here I come.

Friday, October 07, 2016

I had a great time doing a lit drop for #MargaretStock , the independent candidate for the US Senate, on my old route today. Lit drop is what we campaign insiders call hanging LITerature on people's door knobs. 
In case you're interested in voting for her, but you'll be out of town, absentee ballots are available now, by mail. In person early voting will begin October 24th. Either way, let's 

College Village

Blog exclusive:
I'll be in College Village for the next few days handing out flyers, or is it fliers, (according to my online dictionary, it's neither) for Margaret Stock.

Thursday, October 06, 2016

Okay, the Blog Gets An Extra Joke Because It Waited Patiently

I've been avoiding blogging my political facebook posts. Which means there's been nothing to put here except this from a few days ago. As of last night, the gardens are finally covered. My neighbor gave me a pile of leaves that covered the bed like a fitted sheet.