Friday, October 28, 2011

And Eventually It'd Be A Blog

I had a question today for a customer of mine. She said, "Well, it's a long story." Then she stopped.
I told her, "Wait, that's your answer? If I had a long story, I'd tell it, and then I'd tell another one."

I will honor Halloween in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.

All of our neighbors have put up ghosts and pumpkins to scare the little children, but we've just left a plastic shopping bag hanging on our fence for the last few months. I think the neighbor's are starting to be terrified that we'll never get around to cleaning up and that we'll continue to drive their property values down.

Monday, October 24, 2011

The Walking Dead

According to an expert (it's a sign of the times, that the word expert always seems to carry an implied, "so called," in front of it) human decomposition begins within 4 minutes of biological death. Doesn't that seem like a razor thin margin? Aren't you going to worry the next time you have trouble waking up, or you get an infected cut, that your body knows something you don't? On the other hand, if you really have trouble waking up, hit the snooze button. Given another ten minutes, you may not have to go to work.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Another Jewel In The Diadem of Democracy

Apparently, I can't quote S.J. Perleman enough:
(Reuters) - Libyan forces guarding Muammar Gaddafi's body in a cold storage room let in members of the public to view the deposed leader for a second day on Saturday

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I Know You Don't Listen To Me, But Do You Even Listen To Yourself?

I delivered a package the other day to a firearms dealer who was wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with this quote, "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;"

On Monday, one of the managers responsible for our route adjustments this fall gave us a lecture about customer service and meeting delivery standards. She said that during the summer we were customer service all-stars, but lately we're doing a terrible job meeting customer commitments. "What changed?" she asked.

I just read an article from the Anchorage Times from 1985. In it, carriers were saying that they had been ordered to curtail mail for the previous six weeks, and the managers interviewed said that there had been a storm in Seattle that had delayed mail one day and the carriers probably just didn't understand. The whole of human experience, and certainly this blog, could be, something stupid, followed by an infinite series of ditto marks.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

That Man, That Man, That Man I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways

I don't often take requests for specific topics to write about because I don't often get them. But today someone asked if I could mention the managers that were brought in to figure out why overtime has gone up so dramatically at our station. They walked around all morning carrying clipboards.  It would have been so much more effective if they had walked around carrying mirrors.

Sunday, October 09, 2011

The Ants Go In, The Ants Go Out

In ant societies, the elderly and infirm go out to do the most difficult and dangerous missions. In the cold calculus of the cold blooded, they are the most expendable. I've been feeling awful this week, and I wanted a clean bathroom. It seemed like a perfect time to put the formidable Formicidae family paradigm into practice, but try as I might, there were no ants to be found.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Sure Our Thumbs Are Opposable, But Do They Have To Oppose Everything?

I was just explaining to Sarah about the changes at the post office:
I don't know if Congress can save the service from itself.You know those monkeys typing away to recreate Shakespeare? Their rough drafts are our business plan.

Monday, October 03, 2011

Reading Past The End

Recently, in her blog, my daughter was trying to decide if she could stretch her shoes enough to be comfortable, or if it was  a"false hope." I didn't want to tell her, but all hope is false. People like stories with happy endings, but stories with happy endings, stop before the end.