Tuesday, May 29, 2012

How Did She Find Out?

I'm pretty sure the comment on my last post wasn't just about my ability to turn corn nuts into fat, but also my alter ego:

Monday, May 28, 2012

Wait A Minute, Maybe I Could Be On The Treadmill.

I was so back on my diet today, and then just like that old chestnut, I got out of bed. I've been sitting in my recliner($25) in my garage,next to a treadmill ($95) for three days so my legs and core are rapidly losing strength, but after a Costco load of corn nuts, my jaw is ripped.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Don't Put Off Until Tomorrow

I reached my goal weight a couple of weeks ago, just in time for the Tour de Cure next Sunday. I've started carbo and fat loading early, so I may be able to join the Red Team by then.
By the way, I laid in a supply of corn nuts and Doritos for the ride, and then ate most of them last night. I was really pumped to try Doritos Jacked. I've looked online for phrases containing "jack", and I only found one that really conveys the disappointment. I still like the commercial,  even though it's sort the sort of false advertising that you could build a Republican presidential campaign on.

Bridal And Bridle: Homonyms Or Synonyms? A Post In Which A Biblical Prophecy Comes True

Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.  James 1:26
Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.
James 3:4-6 
 Yesterday's garage sale was slow. How slow? I could have been a man sitting alone in a dim garage, or a troll under a bridge, who could tell?
And, awkward segue, speaking of telling, I don't always appreciate how lucky I am that I am never allowed to finish sentences here.  My customers, no matter how they feel about it, don't react to the sound of my voice by instantly starting to talk over me. Their loss. I got a call last night from a family on my route.  At some point, I must have told a story, no, I must have finished telling a story,  about removing stumps by soaking them in gasoline which allows the infused roots to burn when the tree is set alight. They sent me a picture of the ensuing conflagration.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

A Guaranteed Way To Make Money And Meet African Royalty

I don't know why I would tell the people on Craigslist, and not tell you that we're having a garage sale this weekend. Especially since you're far less likely to send me spam about your special way to pay for things.
If you're in town this weekend, stop by. I've got a treadmill for sale, and I can put you in touch with my new investment advisor. He's a prince.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Training Day

The Hardly Davidsons rode today. We slogged from Bird Creek to Girdwood against the wind and then sailed back. It was billed as a training ride for the Tour de Cure. It was barely half as long as the Tour, but the wind, the hills and the breathtaking scenery, combined to give it the aerobic profile of a ride twice as long, so there you are.
So there you are, but where are you? According to Mary Powell of the ADA, unless your name is Anonymous, you haven't yet donated to end diabetes in our lifetime. Mary Powell keeps emailing me, and I don't think it's because of my Klout score, after all. I think she just wants a lot of money for diabetes. Don't make me give her your email address.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

On The Other Hands

I just reread that last post about the octopus. I realized even the octopus was bored. In fact he's using two of his eight arms to cover his eyes. His arms are pink, not because he's going over coral; he's embarrassed for me.

Inspirational Quote Of The Day

Every morning the dog follows me out the door so I can toss the ball for her before I go to work. Is there something wrong with me? Every morning I think of the Scrubbing Bubbles commercial, "Let's go down the drain together." What a dummy.
No, what a segue, former crash test dummy tries out semi-retirement as a garden gnome:

Friday, May 18, 2012

Walt Kelly Said, "He That Is Forewarned Is Forearmed, But Who Wants To Be Half An Octopus?"

A new book tells us that we can learn a lot from the Octopus. They're very smart, for example,  they can use coconut shells for protection, but they don't waste their time figuring out which color to use for camouflage. Individual cells respond to their environment, changing colors as needed. This kind of decentralized authority allows for quick flexible responses that could never  be achieved if the octopus had to think about it. The author says that this kind of decision making could be used by lots of human organizations to provide optimal responses in the least time. Sadly, at the PO, we're just sitting around banging coconut shells together.

In completely un related news, while I was composing this post, my sister called and she is staying at house that used to belong to Steve Largent!

Responding To Feedback

Oh, to clarify, I did not have to wait till July to talk to a cardiologist. They have one standing by during the test, and he said he had an opening right then on his schedule to tell me I was fine.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Has Anyone Ever Used The Phrase, "Much Ado About Nothing" before?

Had the stress test today. I'm fine. Well, mostly fine, I have razor burns where they shaved the hair off my chest.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

All Quotation Marks In This Post Enclose Things That Were Never Said

This morning, as a warm up for the stress test tomorrow,  I did my juggling routine where I try and keep the cell, insurance, cable, credit card and utility bills from crashing down on my head. Just as the routine was reaching its fevered climax, my lovely assistant tossed in a flurry of QVC charges, the metaphorical equivalent of a bowling ball and a flaming chain saw.
I'm having the stress test, you may recall, because the doctor told me, "Your bone density test looks excellent, wait a minute, you didn't have a bone density test, those are your arteries."

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Only In America

Only in America, through dedication and hard work, could a regular dummy become a crash-test dummy.

Just Another Day

Just another day at work, going back and forth, hither and yawning.

Monday, May 14, 2012

This Pretentious Cheddar Has A Fine Nose

I have an appointment for a stress test on Thursday, and a consultation about it with a cardiologist in July. If the test indicates I'm about to die, I asked if could have the consultation sooner, and they said yes. I'll tell you this much, if I'm about to die of heart disease, I'll be drinking a glass of wine with dinner. Ha, that's a lie, if I'm about to die, I'll be drinking a glass of melted cheese with dinner.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Two Plaques, No Trophy

I went to the doctor a couple of days ago to get the results of a recent test. The doctor played a CD that showed my beating heart on his computer.Apparently, I'm allergic to talking about my heart, but what kind of doctor's office doesn't have a fainting couch?
Just like the dentist, he wasn't impressed with the amazing amounts of plaque I can create, so now, off to a cardiologist for a stress test. I believe that involves watching the CD again, but with electrodes attached.

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

I Did Some Actual Research For This Post; Well, I Searched My Own Blog For Doritos

According to the Wall Street Journal, we like to talk about ourselves because it makes us feel as good as eating does. So, you can imagine how much I enjoy writing a blog that includes words like Doritos.  Judging by the number of posts, a lot.
So then, you can  imagine how much I enjoy telling you that this morning, while I was eating breakfast, I got a call from Buddy Roemer! He said he needed my help! He really needs your help. If you go to AmericansElect.org, you can support his campaign to remove the undue influence of money in American politics. I don't agree with him on every single thing; I barely agree with myself on every single thing, but I do believe that Washington isn't broken, it's bought.

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

My doctor's office called me this morning. The receptionist said, "How are you?" I was all, "What am I paying you for?"
Yesterday, we were talking about our chances to ever retire. "Pretty slim," Rich said.  "True," I said, "but I think you just gave me my new rap name"

Friday, May 04, 2012

Today I got a call from Mary Powell, the local Tour de Cure coordinator. She hinted that our Hardly Davidson team wasn't quite pulling its weight fundraising-wise, and that instead of dropping subtle hints on my blog, I should just ask for money. I've even made it easy by putting a link right on this page.  So yeah, you should give some money; nothing extravagant, just enough to end diabetes, but do you see the bigger picture here? I've been working on my Klout score, and the day it goes up to twelve, I get a call from the Tour coordinator.

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

May Day And We Have Something To Protest

Today is the 1st of May, and we have something that's really irritating us up here, almost as much as living in a Corpocracy: living in a freezer where the wind chill tonight is forecast to be 8° People on my route, desperate to begin yard work, are shoveling snow from their yards back onto their sidewalks. I keep telling them that come the Fourth of July, they're going to feel pretty silly when the rest of us can just lean out our windows to get ice.
These were taken at Costco today:

What Goes Up... Seriously, What Goes Up?

Since I've intentionally tried to increase my Klout score to have something impressive to talk about at the upcoming reunion, it has dropped every day. Leah says that neediness isn't a good look for me. Reality says that a high score on a site no one's heard of will only increase my geek/loser cred, and I suppose Klout can be inferred to say, "I'm sorry Dave, I can't do that."