Saturday, December 31, 2011

Mr. Peanut

Somebody asked me just now if I'd gone to weigh myself. I said, "Are you crazy? I'm carrying at least 5 pounds of cashew weight!"

Friday, December 30, 2011

I'm Starting To Have Feelings For This Guy

Go here
Then here.

Like Pasteur Testing A Vaccine On Himself

So, I've always said that I don't like candy that much, and especially chocolate mixed with peanut butter so I never eat Reese's pieces. Until I did. Last night I ate one, then two and then a bag of Reese's pieces. Today, I thought I should learn more about this candy stuff so I bought a bunch of different kinds of candy bars and brought them home for a taste test. Well, I say taste test but I didn't write anything down, and I didn't eat just one bite, I ate all of the candy at one sitting. More research might be in order, but first I'm going to need a lab coat, or possibly a muumuu.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Last Friday I Jumped On The Scale

At least,  it was a scale, it showed me at my goal weight, but I've eaten so much since then, that it might as well have been a trampoline.

Friday, December 09, 2011

I Believe In Persistence

I believe in persistence like the Christian comedian believed in infant baptism, "Believe in it? Hell, I've seen it!"
I had big plans last night. I went to bed right after getting home from work. Well, I went to bed right after getting home from work, eating, watching a little tv, and eating some more. The plan was to go to bed early, and then, since I'm off today, to sleep late. But at 2 am, someone called my cell phone. I didn't answer in case it was the post office, but they called right back so I picked up. The person asked for Ashley. I told them they had the wrong number. They said, "Who is this?" I told them, "It's the wrong ----ing number." Actually I didn't say, "----ing" since I didn't know how to pronounce the dashes, so I used a word I did know how to say. When they called back, I declined to answer, so they texted me, "Why won't you pick up?" I texted back an explanation, and they called and were declined eleven more times. I can see why Ashley gave him the wrong number.
I was tired when I got home from work because I worked 12 hours. One of my customers asked if my truck had broken down. I explained that not only was my route really long now, but that for some reason we were still starting later than we used to. She speculated about their motivations regarding overtime or something. "I guess they're robbing Peter to pay Paul," she said. "No," I said, "they're robbing Peter because they're sociopaths."

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

Headline: Pot Calls Kettle Black

Fox News has a story titled, "iPhone's Siri: Psychological Poison?"
The sad thing is though, even though it's Fox News, it still might be true; kettles really are black.

Sunday, December 04, 2011

Some Of You Won't Even Care

but I just saw Elijah Wood on TV last night. He said that he has a part in the upcoming Hobbit movie even though "chronologically," Frodo wasn't alive during the period covered by the book.  Well, for heavens sake, if you're just going to add characters to make the movie appeal to a wider demographic, why not write Harry Potter in as well and Spiderman? Especially since Elijah Wood and Tobey Maguire might as well be the same person.
In other news, I got a new light bulb that only draws 6 watts. It puts out much more light than keeping your eyes closed.

Thursday, December 01, 2011

I'm Typing This Without Benefit Of Enough Coffee

So, it may not even be true, but as far as I know, there is no word in Chinese for supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, and yet we trust these people to make our Mary Poppins dolls. According to another scary Atlantic article that I haven't finished reading (click here for the last one), the fate of the planet now rests with the alliance of the Chinese and Wal-mart.
And, in another example of scientists taking their cues from dystopian sci-fi, I may have heard a podcast yesterday that said that by recording the neural impulses of mice learning a task, and then replaying those impulses, memories can be directly implanted.Wouldn't it be funny if we hadn't really lived our lives but just thought we did? How could we tell the difference? More importantly, who do we see about getting a refund?