Sleepy Time

Recently I had a birthday that caused my doctor to throw up his hands (why he'd swallowed them, I'll never know) and drop me as a patient. I think I've disguised which birthday sufficiently to stymie Russian hackers because, in my experience, Russians can't believe that Americans have an age at which doctors refuse to see them.
Anyway, my new doctor wanted me to get tested for sleep apnea because apparently, I fit the profile (lately, the only thing that fits) being old, fat, and sleepy. It took a couple of weeks to schedule, but, a few weeks ago, I brought the equipment home and taped it to my head and finger, thus ensuring a good night’s sleep. The next day, I returned the gear.
Yesterday, they called me back with the results. They told me that five to fifteen events per hour is considered moderate apnea. I’d had twenty-three, which they told me is extremely moderate. By the way, extremely moderate also describes my politics. He recommended an APAP machine to blow air into my lungs to keep me from asphyxiating under the weight of my palate and unfulfilled dreams. I told him that I’d tried one of those years ago, and it seemed to suck the air OUT of my lungs. Unless, I’d put it on backwards, I wasn’t interested in something that tried to suffocate me in the night. He told me that apnea is a risk for strokes and heart attacks. I didn’t mention it, but the fact that they’ve waited weeks to call me back with the potentially life-saving results indicates a certain callousness and a willingness to write some patients off.
We compromised by agreeing to try a dental appliance that slowly, over a period of months, will move my jaw forward. This supposedly will do something to make the apnea better. Now, I’m waiting for the dentist to call to schedule the appointment. Meanwhile, I try to sleep, knowing that, according to the sleep clinic, just closing my eyes carries a risk of dying. My biggest regret is that my mother didn’t live to see this transformation. When I was very young, she asked a dentist if it would be possible to break my jaw and move it forward a little bit to improve my weak chin. The dentist refused, so like a lot of weak chinned men, I’ve always had a beard and a legacy of disappointed parents.

I've written here before about "Austin from Texas," who calls every day to warn me that my Windows computer is compromised. For someone who must have lived in Texas for years by now, he still has an extremely thick Indian accent. I always tell him that he's wasting his time calling me because I'm not falling for his scam, and asking if his mother knows what he does for a living. Over the years, I've blown a police whistle into the phone, sworn at him, reasoned with him, and hung up on him. So, I'm saying we had a relationship.
Now, though, he's been replaced by a woman. No, that's not accurate. He's been replaced by a robot that SOUNDS like a woman. I avoid self-checkout, but how can I stand up for Austin's right to scam me in person?
Also, Melinda, Monica? (I can't remember her name, but I'm sure I'll be hearing from her again) used my number as her caller ID. I know I"m often forgetful, but I really do feel like I'd remember calling myself when my phone began to ring.  It was bad enough when they outsourced the scam to India as if our own criminals weren't up to the job, but I'm drawing the line at reading the spiel myself to save the scammers even more money.
And, as usual, while I was complaining about a robot calling to scam me, ANOTHER robot just called to tell me I'm about to be charged $399 for computer services if I don't give them my account number so they can cancel the charge. My wife wants me to get a job, but between calling Caremark to ask if just this once they'd consider sending her medicine to where we are instead of a town in PA we've never heard of and fending off robot attackers, I don't know when I'll even have time to get dressed.

Travis Holt recommended the comedian, Bill Burr. After watching a few minutes, I wrote this to Travis:
I started watching Walk Your Way Out. I had my shirt off so I was already feeling bad, but he did his rant about fat people and finished it up with, "Go be a postman." It was like he really knew me.

Apparently, while I was writing about watching a video, Facebook was watching me because ever since then they’ve been showing me ads for bras.

Have You Seen This Man?

I got a new driver's license today. I really liked my old photo. This new one is special in its own way. Not many people get to see what they'll look like right after they die from a stroke. It really looks like a photo from a Law and Order episode where they show the photo to a bartender and ask, "Did you serve this man last night? We found him dead in your parking lot this morning."

I posted some pictures on Facebook,  generously provided by Cathy Beeson, from the demonstration yesterday. You'd think it would be easy to post them here, too, but it's not. After I did, one of my friends asked how we would pay for all the things that Dunleavy vetoed. It turned out to be easy to post that here:

a big part of the problem (as I see it) is insisting on a large PFD. If we can’t afford to have a functioning university, Medicaid, help for seniors, or to make the promised payments to municipalities then we can’t afford a huge PFD. Another way to help pay for necessary programs is for Alaskans to pay an income tax. We sound like a bunch of entitled welfare recipients when we demand money FROM the government, but we’re not willing to help pay FOR government. Jay Hammond never supported eliminating the state income tax because he foresaw this. Thirdly, the state forgoes well over a billion dollars a year in tax credits for the oil companies.
Nationally, tax cuts for the wealthy have blown up the deficit. It’s a little disingenuous to then claim we can’t afford the nice things other countries have.

Facebook just reminded me that on this day two years ago I wrote my representatives. Weirdly, I just wrote them again today like it's a tradition. Today's: "It is infuriating that Mitch McConnell will not bring up the bill that has already passed the Senate unanimously and reopen the government. Especially since you all know that the wall is an expensive fantasy. It is past time that GOP Senators stand up to their leadership and demand the government reopen with no strings, and NO WALL, attached. Although I voted for Republicans for decades, I've never been more ashamed to be from a red state." I'm talking to you Lisa Murkowski and Senator Dan Sullivan

My project to convince my family that I'm not sliding into dementia was undermined when my wife got a call from the people that found my wallet yesterday.

I Also WAY Overpaid For a PopSocket For Karen

We returned to our Yuma cottage (it's still a cottage even if it has wheels, right?) the other night and found the door unlocked. This was surprising since I had a definite memory of thinking about locking the door when we left. Also, I didn't have my keys. At first confidently, then more and more frantically I looked for them. I ransacked our sheds and my sister's car that we had been driving. I checked the same pants pockets over and over again as if I might surprise the keys into revealing themselves. In the morning I found them in front of the car. They wouldn't say where they'd been or what they'd been up to.
As a responsible key owner, I didn't want them to be off by themselves and for me not to have a way to contact them. So I went to Target and bought a couple of Tiles. Two, because my wallet had traveled from Boston to Phoenix on its own and, granted, it had a passport, I was uncomfortable not knowing where it was for a couple of days. Since then, the keys have been hanging on a hook by the door. That makes them easy to find, although it means I have no reason to use my phone to find them which is a little disappointing. Even more disappointing, we were at Sam's Club yesterday and they had four Tiles for just over half what I paid for two. For what I paid, my keys should be lost four times as often. I may have to start just tossing them out of car windows and then coming back later to look for them.