Manqué Man

An Open Letter To Kirkus Reviews

2012-02-15T10:21:00.000-09:00

Maybe you need a refresher.
Review: "...a critical appraisal of a book, play, movie, exhibition, etc., published in a newspaper or magazine."
So, if you are reviewing a book called A Dog's Purpose, you don't reveal the dog's purpose. You let the author do that.
What you're writing isn't exactly a synopsis; it's a
Spoiler: "...a description of an important plot development in a television show, movie, etc., before it is shown to the public."

The Little Post Office That Could

2012-02-15T09:03:00.001-09:00

I mailed a package last Thursday to my sister, who lives outside Palm Springs. Inexplicably, according to their tracking, it spent three days in Denver, and still hasn't been delivered, but, also according to their tracking, they expect to deliver it two days ago.
It's hard to believe that an organization with that kind of can-do spirit, can't overcome anything.

Weather Report

2012-02-13T21:12:00.001-09:00

As you may know, we have had lots of snow this year, followed by crazy cold, and then way more snow. It's warmer now, although snowing really, really hard right this minute. Since it's warmer, snow is melting off people's roofs, and then dripping onto their porches where it refreezes. It's so icy and dangerous that I'm starting to feel like Tonya Harding's mailman.

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words. Is it? Is It Really?

2012-02-07T19:06:00.001-09:00

I'm asking because I am really proud of the phrase "front range of the Costco parking lot."
But you can decide for yourself:

Similarly, if I tell you I'm a rakishly handsome bicyclist, is that any less effective than this:

Public Health

2012-02-07T17:11:00.001-09:00

I went back to the doctor today for a follow up visit. I ended up getting a vaccine booster shot. It turns out that even as you age, it's never too late to be a revenue opportunity for doctors. If I don't become autistic (self-absorbed doesn't count), can we just stop talking about that and go back to talking about something really absorbing, like me?
My blood work looked really good, and I had lost 11 pounds since my last visit. Mostly by taking off my winter coat and leaving my book at home.

Whiteout

2012-02-07T07:58:00.000-09:00

You may have heard that after a soul (and finger)-chillingly cold January here, February opened with a blizzard. Crews have been piling snow higher and higher. to make room for more. On Sunday, we had to park near the front range of the Costco parking lot.
Yesterday my manager "consulted" with me about adjusting my route again. She took pages of notes, and added them to the piles already on her desk. Just another place where avalanche conditions are high. I should be in better shape considering how much I participate in these exercises in futility.

Getting Ready To Rest Is Anything But Restful

2012-02-05T10:21:00.000-09:00

We went to a financial advisor recently. He advised that because of Karen's disability, it was important that I not die intestate which does not refer to a Jake Barnes type injury. I hated to make a new will after the controversy of the last one. Sarah helped me resolve that, though. After we die, Instead of going to live with my sister or Karen's brother, she said she could stay with her husband.
In any event, finding the answers to questions about insurance policies and beneficiary forms, and on and on ad lucem is so tedious, and so tiring, that it makes one long for the comfort of the grave, which is the one place you can't go until you finish your work.

Writing Is Easy

2012-02-03T10:23:00.000-09:00

I was trying to think of a way to work the word, "frenzy" into a sentence, and then I realized, "Hey, problem solved."

Fire And Ice

2012-01-29T12:15:00.000-09:00

News reports say that we are on track for the coldest January in Anchorage history. It seems to me that we are so close now to the end of the month, that we would have to fall into the sun to avoid the record, a prospect that some of us could face with equanimity.
Another report claims that being cold causes the body to create more brown fat which draws fat from other cells and burns it. Since I work outside, I should have enough brown fat to have gotten me reclassified during apartheid. The question is, how have I avoided bursting into flames? A prospect that I could have faced with, you know, equanimity.
I have Siri to keep me company during my long, cold slog, but she can be so irritating that I might just as well stay home. Yesterday, I asked her to play, You Can't Always Get What You Want, by the Rolling Stones. She cheerily announced, "Let's hear, This Ain't What You Want," and she was right, it wasn't.

I'm A Poet, And I Don't Have Knowledge Of It

2012-01-25T21:19:00.001-09:00

According to an essay I haven't read by Walker Percy, whom I've never heard of, “misnamings, misunderstandings, or misrememberings” can lead to “an authentic poetic experience … an experience, moreover, which was notably absent before the mistake was made.”

Almost two years ago, right here in this blog, I quoted a Rolling Stones lyric, "My favorite flavor, cherry red," that I'd always heard as "My fever, flavored, cherry red"

"Isn't that a much better line?" I asked.

At the rate I'm losing my faculties, in two more years I could be Shakespeare.

Which is great; one of my customers visited this blog recently and asked me, "Why Manqué Man?" I said, I thought a manqué was someone that showed early promise, but in the end accomplished nothing. "That's not you," he said. Harsh! He didn't know me then, I might have shown early promise.

And By A Total Stranger, Too

2012-01-24T22:19:00.001-09:00

Uh huh, that's right my class warfare tweet was retweeted.

Phat Chance

2012-01-22T15:44:00.001-09:00

We were talking about nutrition today. "I'm really into that," I said. "Or, more accurately, I'm heavily into that."

The False Promise Of Internet Security

2012-01-16T20:12:00.001-09:00

After my Hotmail account was hacked, and everyone's Zappos account was, I bought and installed a password manager today. After wrestling with it for a few hours, I realize that my internet surfing will be safe and secure because I won't be able to surf the internet any more. One of the reviewers claimed to be tech savvy, yet unable to get the program to work successfully. I don't know why I thought I was tech savvier than the reviewer, but I plunged on (and the unfortunate toilet reference there is not completely unintentional). I have gotten it to work, but it's taken almost eight hours, and I only have managed the passwords on seven websites. It would be eight, but I'm completely locked out of my bank account. I'm hopeful that if I have no access to my money, no one else does either, but I've been hopeful before. Well, not really hopeful, hopeful, but you know, asleep or something.

We Have Had Record Snowfall Up Here And I Go Back To Work In 11 Hours

2012-01-12T21:10:00.001-09:00

... And speaking of things that have never happened before:

Give Me Two Senators And My Change In Congressmen

2012-01-12T05:08:00.001-09:00

It's insulting that the people who keeping talking about class warfare are the ones waging and winning class warfare.

A Loaf Of Bread, A Jug Of Wine, And.. Wait, Skip The Wine, How About Another Loaf of Bread And A Pound Of Cheese?

2012-01-09T19:05:00.001-09:00

Glimpsing myself in a mirror just now, I realize I look like someone who was trapped in a lard catastrophe; someone that had to tunnel out using only his mouth. I'm home now, but unfortunately, I'm like a whale swimming up so rapidly that when I reach the surface, I can't stop: I just ate an entire loaf of bread and a pound of cheese. I wonder if whales hate themselves when they've got plankton running down their chins and their blowhole is full of ambergris. Mmmm, ambergris.

By the way, I don't want to nag, but did you visit Buddy Roemer's web site like I asked you to?

Mirage

2012-01-08T18:17:00.001-09:00

Riding home in Anchorage. Phoenix seems like a dream. A dream that won't come true. I only have the fat I'm carrying to let me know it really happened.
So much fresh snow that the main highway out of town is closed. There is really no escape from this life.

What I Did On My Summery Vacation

2012-01-07T07:54:00.001-09:00

I never mentioned that we've been in Phoenix for the last week and a half. We came for a mini family reunion ( the only kind we can have since our family is so small) and to see if we can afford a house here (we can't).
We also explored the cultural resources of Phoenix (Hula's Modern Tiki Lounge) and traditional southwest dining by making two trips to Arizona's oldest soda fountain.
We've been staying at Homewood Suites. It's part of the Hilton family, the amiable kid brother to The Hilton's cold, grasping patriarch. One night we were running too late to get back in time for the complementary dinner. Part of the family thought it was charming that the hostess called to see if we were okay. I understood it to mean that she thought we were too fat and cheap to pass up a free meal.
Tomorrow, back to Anchorage and winter.

Mr. Peanut

2011-12-31T12:20:00.001-09:00

Somebody asked me just now if I'd gone to weigh myself. I said, "Are you crazy? I'm carrying at least 5 pounds of cashew weight!"

I'm Starting To Have Feelings For This Guy

2011-12-30T21:49:00.000-09:00

Go here
Then here.

Like Pasteur Testing A Vaccine On Himself

2011-12-30T21:30:00.001-09:00

So, I've always said that I don't like candy that much, and especially chocolate mixed with peanut butter so I never eat Reese's pieces. Until I did. Last night I ate one, then two and then a bag of Reese's pieces. Today, I thought I should learn more about this candy stuff so I bought a bunch of different kinds of candy bars and brought them home for a taste test. Well, I say taste test but I didn't write anything down, and I didn't eat just one bite, I ate all of the candy at one sitting. More research might be in order, but first I'm going to need a lab coat, or possibly a muumuu.

Last Friday I Jumped On The Scale

2011-12-27T18:26:00.000-09:00

At least, it was a scale, it showed me at my goal weight, but I've eaten so much since then, that it might as well have been a trampoline.

Orwell Was An Optimist

2011-12-24T09:16:00.000-09:00

The mission of securing our national borders has thus become indistinguishable from a new and still emerging understanding of what constitutes homeland security. The border has become a laboratory in which new security techniques can be perfected and where military tactics can be adapted for domestic application. Indeed, it is hard to avoid the conclusion that the border is slowly expanding to fill the entire continent.~From Popular Science Magazine

We will have achieved complete homeland security when the half of the population that isn't in prison is guarding the other half. And they can switch places at the end of their shifts.

Retrospective

2011-12-19T18:07:00.000-09:00

I Believe In Persistence

2011-12-09T09:02:00.001-09:00

I believe in persistence like the Christian comedian believed in infant baptism, "Believe in it? Hell, I've seen it!"
I had big plans last night. I went to bed right after getting home from work. Well, I went to bed right after getting home from work, eating, watching a little tv, and eating some more. The plan was to go to bed early, and then, since I'm off today, to sleep late. But at 2 am, someone called my cell phone. I didn't answer in case it was the post office, but they called right back so I picked up. The person asked for Ashley. I told them they had the wrong number. They said, "Who is this?" I told them, "It's the wrong ----ing number." Actually I didn't say, "----ing" since I didn't know how to pronounce the dashes, so I used a word I did know how to say. When they called back, I declined to answer, so they texted me, "Why won't you pick up?" I texted back an explanation, and they called and were declined eleven more times. I can see why Ashley gave him the wrong number.
I was tired when I got home from work because I worked 12 hours. One of my customers asked if my truck had broken down. I explained that not only was my route really long now, but that for some reason we were still starting later than we used to. She speculated about their motivations regarding overtime or something. "I guess they're robbing Peter to pay Paul," she said. "No," I said, "they're robbing Peter because they're sociopaths."

Headline: Pot Calls Kettle Black

2011-12-07T07:32:00.000-09:00

Fox News has a story titled, "iPhone's Siri: Psychological Poison?"
The sad thing is though, even though it's Fox News, it still might be true; kettles really are black.

Some Of You Won't Even Care

2011-12-04T18:03:00.000-09:00

but I just saw Elijah Wood on TV last night. He said that he has a part in the upcoming Hobbit movie even though "chronologically," Frodo wasn't alive during the period covered by the book. Well, for heavens sake, if you're just going to add characters to make the movie appeal to a wider demographic, why not write Harry Potter in as well and Spiderman? Especially since Elijah Wood and Tobey Maguire might as well be the same person.
In other news, I got a new light bulb that only draws 6 watts. It puts out much more light than keeping your eyes closed.

I'm Typing This Without Benefit Of Enough Coffee

2011-12-01T10:43:00.001-09:00

So, it may not even be true, but as far as I know, there is no word in Chinese for supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, and yet we trust these people to make our Mary Poppins dolls. According to another scary Atlantic article that I haven't finished reading (click here for the last one), the fate of the planet now rests with the alliance of the Chinese and Wal-mart.

And, in another example of scientists taking their cues from dystopian sci-fi, I may have heard a podcast yesterday that said that by recording the neural impulses of mice learning a task, and then replaying those impulses, memories can be directly implanted.Wouldn't it be funny if we hadn't really lived our lives but just thought we did? How could we tell the difference? More importantly, who do we see about getting a refund?

Being Grateful Always

2011-11-23T10:36:00.001-09:00

Someone asked me today if I was going off my diet for Thanksgiving. Way ahead of you.

Um, The Post Office May Think I'm Too Dumb To Dress Myself

2011-11-21T12:09:00.000-09:00

Well, to be fair, I was quite a late dresser, but still I could even wear tie shoes by the time I went to work at the PO. Anyway, that's not the point, the point is that apparently Amazon sees something in me that casual acquaintances might miss: in my personal recommendations was a book by Umberto Eco and one by Haruki Murakami. Uh huh, in your face postal Louis L'amour readers!

Strutting And Fretting

2011-11-20T13:46:00.001-09:00

So, I haven't posted much lately, or shoveled snow, or anything much really, except work, eat, and doze on the couch. I've been working a lot of overtime lately because the route adjustments they made this summer were so poorly thought out. At a recent service talk, our manager said, (without singling me out for once) that if our customers asked why we're working so late, we cannot say, "Because I work for idiots." I was surprised she didn't single me out since that is a word for word quote of what I've been saying. We're supposed to say, that if they have questions, they should call the post office, well, not the local post office because she doesn't want to talk to a bunch of crybabies about why they're getting their mail long after dark ("it scares my kids"), but the toll free number where the operators will have no idea what the customers are talking about. There they'll receive a tale of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Meanwhile, I'll "creep in my petty pace from day to day."
As Thanksgiving approaches, though, we do have some things to be grateful for. Costco, for example, has a coupon for Wheat Thins. Later today, we'll check out their holiday Doritos collection. We've already laid in a supply of Stove Top Stuffing. Lots of people will tell you that they can make better stuffing than Stove Top. These are the same people that will tell you that their fruitcake is different, and they're wrong. Stove Top has the ingredients you want, without adding the things that you don't. Honestly, if gizzards were meant to be eaten, they wouldn't be called gizzards, would they?

Our Living Room Was Designed By Temple Grandin

2011-11-07T09:10:00.001-09:00

At least one pundit says that Americans have been distracted from their increasing powerlessness by shiny new toys. I don't know if that's true, but my iPhone 4s is now also a universal remote for our TV and DVR.

How Many Pinheads Can Dance On An Angel?

2011-11-06T10:38:00.000-09:00

I liked that title when I thought of it. I wish I could have thought of a post to go with it, but economists will tell you, "You can't have everything."
As I understand last Friday's Planet Money Podcast, the twin pillars of modern economics are Maynard Keynes, a brilliant but dissipated scholar and bon vivant, and Friedrich von Hayek, a Nobel prize winning Austrian. Keynes believed that targeted government spending could make up for falling consumer demand to prop up the economy during a recession. Hayek believed that the best thing government could do was to stay out of the way of a self-correcting free market. Obviously, a case can be made for both approaches, since their acolytes have been debating since the 1930's.
What is so infuriating about the current crop of "conservative" Republicans, is that while claiming to be followers of Hayek, they are practicing targeted spending and tax cuts to the richest people in America. If low tax rates for the rich and financial deregulation are so effective, then why have they lead to disaster?

And Eventually It'd Be A Blog

2011-10-28T21:31:00.008-08:00

I had a question today for a customer of mine. She said, "Well, it's a long story." Then she stopped.
I told her, "Wait, that's your answer? If I had a long story, I'd tell it, and then I'd tell another one."

I will honor Halloween in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.

2011-10-28T12:17:00.000-08:00

All of our neighbors have put up ghosts and pumpkins to scare the little children, but we've just left a plastic shopping bag hanging on our fence for the last few months. I think the neighbor's are starting to be terrified that we'll never get around to cleaning up and that we'll continue to drive their property values down.

The Walking Dead

2011-10-24T07:29:00.000-08:00

According to an expert (it's a sign of the times, that the word expert always seems to carry an implied, "so called," in front of it) human decomposition begins within 4 minutes of biological death. Doesn't that seem like a razor thin margin? Aren't you going to worry the next time you have trouble waking up, or you get an infected cut, that your body knows something you don't? On the other hand, if you really have trouble waking up, hit the snooze button. Given another ten minutes, you may not have to go to work.

Another Jewel In The Diadem of Democracy

2011-10-22T22:10:00.001-08:00

Apparently, I can't quote S.J. Perleman enough:

(Reuters) - Libyan forces guarding Muammar Gaddafi's body in a cold storage room let in members of the public to view the deposed leader for a second day on Saturday

I Know You Don't Listen To Me, But Do You Even Listen To Yourself?

2011-10-19T17:41:00.001-08:00

I delivered a package the other day to a firearms dealer who was wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with this quote, "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;"

On Monday, one of the managers responsible for our route adjustments this fall gave us a lecture about customer service and meeting delivery standards. She said that during the summer we were customer service all-stars, but lately we're doing a terrible job meeting customer commitments. "What changed?" she asked.

I just read an article from the Anchorage Times from 1985. In it, carriers were saying that they had been ordered to curtail mail for the previous six weeks, and the managers interviewed said that there had been a storm in Seattle that had delayed mail one day and the carriers probably just didn't understand. The whole of human experience, and certainly this blog, could be, something stupid, followed by an infinite series of ditto marks.

That Man, That Man, That Man I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways

2011-10-15T20:36:00.000-08:00

I don't often take requests for specific topics to write about because I don't often get them. But today someone asked if I could mention the managers that were brought in to figure out why overtime has gone up so dramatically at our station. They walked around all morning carrying clipboards. It would have been so much more effective if they had walked around carrying mirrors.

The Ants Go In, The Ants Go Out

2011-10-09T20:36:00.000-08:00

In ant societies, the elderly and infirm go out to do the most difficult and dangerous missions. In the cold calculus of the cold blooded, they are the most expendable. I've been feeling awful this week, and I wanted a clean bathroom. It seemed like a perfect time to put the formidable Formicidae family paradigm into practice, but try as I might, there were no ants to be found.

An adult hagfish can secrete enough slime to turn a 5 gallon bucket of water into slime in a matter of minutes.

2011-10-07T09:39:00.001-08:00

I stayed home from work today because I seem to have a hagfish living in my sinuses

Sure Our Thumbs Are Opposable, But Do They Have To Oppose Everything?

2011-10-04T09:26:00.005-08:00

I was just explaining to Sarah about the changes at the post office:
I don't know if Congress can save the service from itself.You know those monkeys typing away to recreate Shakespeare? Their rough drafts are our business plan.

Reading Past The End

2011-10-03T19:18:00.001-08:00

Recently, in her blog, my daughter was trying to decide if she could stretch her shoes enough to be comfortable, or if it was a"false hope." I didn't want to tell her, but all hope is false. People like stories with happy endings, but stories with happy endings, stop before the end.

All Dogs Go To Heaven. That's Because They Can't Afford To Go To The Vet

2011-09-29T18:51:00.001-08:00

"On Thursday, I'm going here," I said the other day, which in case you didn't click on the link was a retirement seminar. The presenters told us that a good way to determine your readiness to retire, was to practice living on the amount you'd be collecting in retirement.
Coincidentally, on the same day, Ellie went here, and, now we know that pets and retirement don't mix.

2011-09-26T13:30:00.000-08:00

Some people are predicting the end of the post office next week. The nostalgic look here, while critics of the service's managers go here.
On Thursday, I'm going here.

Take Two Grains Of Salt And Call Me In The Morning

2011-09-23T19:53:00.003-08:00

From an analysis of 100 best practices put together by committees in internal medicine, Groopman and Hartzband discovered that 14 percent were contradicted within a year. Within two years, a quarter of the best practices were contradicted, and by five years, almost half of the rules were overturned.

This was going to be a screed about the post office's one size fits nobody policies, but when I tested that link up above, I saw an amazing video, and now I want to share it with you. Hint, he's saying, "bah."
And even though, you aren't seeing what you think you are, scientists can still look over your shoulder and see what you think you're seeing.

Contagion

2011-09-20T22:10:00.000-08:00

Congress has had the franking privilege longer than we've had a constitution, and look at them. Netflix has been primarily a mail order company for about ten years, and look at them. They're splitting their offerings into two web sites (one with a silly name), raising their prices, and soon they'll be offering fewer movies to stream. So we'll be paying more to get less and working twice as hard to get it. A business plan that only a Congressman could love.

A Graphic To Convey How Backwards My New Line Of Travel Is

2011-09-20T18:03:00.000-08:00

A picture is worth a thousand words. Most of the words I've been using lately to describe my route average four letters, so that's about four thousand letters, which, coincidentally, is how many letters they expect me to carry at a time on these new gargantuan swings.

Watching The Hallmark Channel

2011-09-17T17:57:00.001-08:00

Don't you hate it when someone says, "I'm not a bad person," when they mean "I'm a bad actress."?

I Feel Like Ginger Rogers' Mailman

2011-09-14T19:27:00.000-08:00

I recently watched a video about fake blueberries. If you can't trust blueberries, how can you possibly believe in red berries that aren't even pretending to be real? Well, you can't. But you can fight back against the man, because now, there's an app for that.

Today, one of my new customers was looking in her mailbox as I was still walking up her driveway. She said, "Oh, I thought I saw you go by already."
"Besides all the other changes to my route," I said, "they have me running it backwards."

Push

2011-09-08T20:57:00.001-08:00

Stress counselors recommend taking ten deep breaths to relieve tension. Our station is starting to sound like a Lamaze class.
I talked to my insurance company. Apparently, they're willing to buy Rich and me new bikes. I went to three shops today. My Novara bike is still made, and it's a lot cheaper than what I paid for mine four years ago. Probably because this year's color is a dispiriting gun metal gray. The choices remain overwhelming. When one saleslady tried to close, I told her I needed a little more time to go home and sulk for awhile. And I did.

With Music By The Moody Blues

2011-09-06T21:42:00.001-08:00

Even in my wildest dream (the one where my desk tried to eat me) I could never have imagined how poorly thought out and implemented our recent route adjustments have been. And by the way, I bet whoever steered the Titanic into the iceberg didn't blame the people down in the engine room.

booklamp.org Home

2011-09-05T17:17:00.000-08:00

Here's a site that claims to be the Pandora of books: booklamp.org Home, an ambiguous claim, since Pandora is almost always exactly not quite right. Still, it offered Swamplandia as a match for Cloud Atlas, and I just bought (and lost) Swamplandia, plus it allowed me to use the "Blog This" button in Chrome for the first time.

'via Blog this'

The Funny Thing Is, I Keep Reading This Stuff

2011-09-04T16:02:00.000-08:00

To Be Free, Be "Nimble As A Weasel"

2011-09-04T09:00:00.000-08:00

Giving hope to pre-retirement-seminar-attendees everywhere, Yvonne shows a life of hard work doesn't have to end in the slaughter house.

Just To Let You Know, I Spelled Poignant Without Spell-Check

2011-09-02T07:37:00.000-08:00

In prospect, the ride to the fair was a fun way to say goodbye to summer. In retrospect, it's even more poignant, not just the last ride of summer, but the last ride, since Rich's and my bikes were all stolen from our garage.

LIfe Is Like A Ferris Wheel: There Are Ups And Downs, And What Goes Around Comes Around

2011-08-31T12:31:00.000-08:00

Saturday was the first day we ran our newly adjusted routes. The day began with our station manager telling us that we would be able to make changes in the next few days, but she'd also told us that we'd be able to make changes in the last few days, so I didn't totally expect it to happen. I also didn't expect that at the end of the meeting I would called into the office to be told that I had a bad attitude. And worse, I was sarcastic and condescending. As if! I didn't really respond because I didn't think she would understand.

The line of travel was set by managers in the thrall of their new computer. It was like running a brand new route. In those circumstances, carriers "follow the mail," to find out where they're going. I did that, but apparently the mail was drunk. The bad news is that the route is much longer and laid out inefficiently, but the very good news is that I get paid by the hour.

Sunday was forecast to be rainy, but the day dawned sunny and warm. This was especially gratifying as my friend, Rich, and I had planned to bicycle to the state fair in Palmer and meet Karen and Leah there. As you can clearly see from these photos that I clearly didn't take, riding across the Eklutna Flats, and the Knik River bridge was beautiful. That's inadequate, and Roget himself didn't do much better, maybe magnificent? Anyway, it was nice. But just past the bridge, Rich got a flat tire. He fixed it, we got back on our bikes, rode about twelve feet, and my tire popped. We fixed it, and just then, Leah called. She was about a quarter mile ahead of us, and wondered if we'd like to ride in the car the rest of the way. We did, but traffic was so backed up that we would have gotten there faster on our bikes. This had consequences because I had hoped to arrive at the fair early enough that we could eat, look at cows, get hungry, eat, then go see Garrison Keillor (who sang this song), eat and go home. As it was, we arrived just in time for the show, which was three hours long(!), so we had to eat all those meals in one short frenzy on the way out to the gate. We managed it, but I felt like I might have missed some things that I would have tried if I'd had a little more time. Because Karen was in a wheelchair, we were able to see the show from the handicapped accessible area near the front, but they didn't provide chairs for caregivers, so Rich and I ended up standing for the entire show, which was much more tiring than the bike ride. When we got home, there was an email from the fair organization to tell us that because of the show's length, they had relaxed their restrictions on chairs brought from home.
Then other stuff happened, and now here we are.

Don't Tap On The Glass

2011-08-27T07:41:00.000-08:00

I'm about halfway through an article entitled Saving The Middle Class. I haven't gotten to the prescriptive part of it yet, but based on the descriptive part, it might involve putting us in museums and zoos.

Don't Put Anything In Your Ears That's Smaller Than Your Elbow.

2011-08-25T17:12:00.000-08:00

Postal officials stopped by this morning to tell us that the final labels and documents regarding our route adjustments would be dropped off this afternoon. They told us that they appreciated how much time we'd spent making notes and suggestions to guide them through the process.
Sure enough, the labels and documents were there this afternoon. Apparently, they wadded up the notes we'd made, and put them in their ears so they wouldn't have to listen our suggestions.

Sausages, Politics, And Now, Computer Repair

2011-08-23T15:50:00.000-08:00

We've long known that watching sausages or laws being made will take away your trust in the process. Now we need to add computer repair.
I took my computer to the Alaska Mac Store* today to fix a little problem caused by someone (I'm someone) putting an SD card in the CD slot. It took them about thirty seconds. I asked them how they did it, and they said, "Oh, we just turned it on its side and shook it." I guess it worked, you're reading this blog post right now that I typed on it.

By the way, thanks for listening to me talk about my route adjustments. They're crazy stupid, but when I try to talk to other carriers about them, they act like my adjustments were done by Nobel-prize-winning cartographers. I know they're right, but mine still are stupid.

*Because even though Apple opened a store here a couple of weeks ago, I appreciate that the Alaska Mac Store opened here almost fifteen years ago, when Apple wasn't the biggest most popular company in the world.

A Nation Should Turn Its Lonely Eyes To Us

2011-08-21T10:01:00.000-08:00

In his new book, A First Rate Madness: Uncovering the Links Between Leadership and Mental Illness, Ghaemi lays out the argument that leaders with some mental illnesses are often better in times of crisis.

Based on the route adjustments taking effect next week at our station, the Post Office is being run by delusional madmen; want proof, here's the final map.
Vote for us, we're even crazier than your candidate.

Old Joke. Man: When I Drink Soup I Get A Pain In My Eye. Dr: Take The Spoon Out of The Bowl.

2011-08-17T09:47:00.001-08:00

We've come to a fork in the road with our route adjustments, and like always at the PO, whenever we see a fork, we pick it up and stab it in our eye.

The Value Of Golda (Meier) Has Never Been Higher

2011-08-12T10:36:00.000-08:00

To totally paraphrase a Golda Meier quote out of context:
The congressional super committee will make progress when Republicans love America more than they hate the president.

If The Communists Ran The Post Office, And They Were Having A Race, Would They Start It By Saying, "On Your Marx"?

2011-08-11T21:43:00.000-08:00

I'm just asking because we're about to adjust all the routes in the station in two weeks, including abolishing two routes, and they still haven't decided who gets what.
So, we're not communists, but it's like we say, "Get ready, go, get set."

Do You Hate Your Doctor Fifteen Percent Less?

2011-08-09T20:16:00.000-08:00

Doctor's training has begun to include listening skills and it's starting to pay off. Doctors on average now wait about 15% percent longer before interrupting their patients. This means that they are willing to wait a full 21 seconds before stopping that incessant buzzing noise that they hear when they're not the ones talking.

Check Out Our Money Gone Guarantee

2011-08-08T13:14:00.001-08:00

The stock market dropped about 600 points today, which is the same as putting stocks on sale. It's too bad they don't have a policy so that just like when you buy something from Best Buy and you find it cheaper some place else you can return it and get your money back, but when you buy Best Buy, you're just out of luck.

A Pendulum Tires Of Sedately Swinging

2011-08-05T09:51:00.000-08:00

Over the fifteen years I've had my route, the boundaries have shifted slightly to the west (to take streets from an incompetent and slow carrier who went on to become a station manager) and then to the east (same carrier, same reason), but the core of the route has remain unchanged. For fifteen years. Now, the Postal Service, has a computer, and they're using it to define the routes. Inexplicably, my route is shifting east and west simultaneously, while the middle is being given to other carriers. So, I'll be driving past the customers I've had for fifteen years to get from one end of my route to the other. I'll be driving past the entrance to the school I've delivered to for ten years, but someone else will have to drive through the street that shows on the computer's map, but that was closed about seven years ago, to actually deliver their mail, perhaps with a catapult.

Inside Baseball

2011-08-02T19:34:00.000-08:00

I think I hit for the cycle punctuating the last post.

Bill O'Reilly Wouldn't Tell You This Even If It Was True

2011-08-02T19:32:00.001-08:00

I think my last post was pretty good, especially the part about Fox News, but I report; you can decide how clever I am: for the first half of the day I had my rain pants on backwards.

This Just In, Or Out

2011-08-01T17:05:00.001-08:00

So, normally, the President doesn't negotiate with terrorists, but apparently an exception can be made for the Tea Party. In announcing these developments, Fox News reported that black is white. For balance, they added, up is down.

“This deal does not even attempt to strike a balance between more cuts for the working people of America and a fairer contribution from millionaires and corporations..."

2011-07-31T18:03:00.000-08:00

This deal is the difference between going into a bank to take money from your account and going into a bank to take hostages. There was no debt ceiling crisis; the debt ceiling has always been raised since it was created in 1917 to allow the government to spend the money as allocated by Congress. The crisis is that Tea Party members want to balance the budget without paying for it

Straight Out Of Middle Earth

2011-07-29T19:39:00.000-08:00

John McCain quoted the Wall Street Journal the other day, calling some recalcitrant members of Congress, "Tea Party hobbits." I didn't read the article, so I can't be sure what that means, but I have read the Lord of the Rings a few times, and I'm pretty sure that Tea Party members aren't that much like hobbits. More like jerks.

I Have The Slogan, But Do Even I Want The Job?

2011-07-27T21:23:00.000-08:00

If I ever decided to run for Congress, I've got the perfect slogan: "Vote for me, how much worse could I do?"

Below Zero

2011-07-24T20:14:00.003-08:00

I'm on google+ and my computer is upgraded to Lion. I haven't felt this cool since I was the only person I knew that was reading "I Robot" in 1966, or ever, for that matter. Uh huh, that cool!

Tobacco Shop Owner Still Expects Mail Delivery

2011-07-24T09:48:00.000-08:00

Tobacco shop owner in Southern California still expects mail delivery even though his dog is completely unrestrained.

We Are A Federal Constitutional Republic

2011-07-20T20:48:00.000-08:00

But more and more, our style of government might better be described as cahoots.

It's Like I've Got A Twin

2011-07-20T17:54:00.000-08:00

So, seriously, nobody needs an invitation to Google+ ?

Fluid Dynamics

2011-07-19T10:07:00.000-08:00

I listened to a podcast today about "Brain Bugs". The author being interviewed said that our brains are good at living on the African savannah, but not really well adapted for the modern world we've created. I thought I had more to say about that, maybe finishing up with how hard it is to write permanent memories when our brains are 78% water. As you can see, my brain isn't even well adapted for this blog I've created. A few minutes ago, someone offered me royal jelly, in case I wanted to pretend that I was a queen bee. "I don't have to pretend," I said.

I've Been Meaning To Tell You

2011-07-14T17:03:00.000-08:00

Last week we took a chocolate tour of Anchorage. Our tour guide started out by telling us that she'd lived in Anchorage for years, but that she'd grown up in Wasilla. I asked her if she knew Sarah Palin. She hesitated, then told us that Sarah Palin was her sister. Since Sarah (my Sarah, not Sarah Palin; Sarah Palin grew up in Wasilla) and I had both grown up in Anchorage, the tour was probably a little different than it would have been, since we spent a lot of time talking about things we'd done and seen, and eaten. I told her that Sarah had provided Reese's Cups as an option instead of Hershey Bars for her s'mores, and how at least one person couldn't believe that nobody had thought of that before. I showed her a picture of Sarah's flag cake, and the picture I took of the signs in front of our house. She liked that one, and I sent it to her so she could share it with Sarah (Palin).
The tour included Modern Dwellers. For those of you in Anchorage, or coming to Anchorage, I can tell you it had delicious chocolate. I bought a mocha. It was delicious, but it was also eight dollars, so I'm not sure I could afford to do that every day. Especially considering that I'm already wearing the largest uniform pants I own. They're in the size known as clown pants.

Celebrate Freedom

2011-07-14T10:34:00.000-08:00

I haven't actually looked at a calendar, but I believe today is Bastille Day, the day the French people stormed the Bastille, setting prisoners free and demanding liberty, equality and something else that I forget. Also, in an ironic twist, it's my first day back after vacation.
I had thought that I could jump back on my diet and exercise program today, too. Unfortunately, I ended up driving to work instead of biking because it took so long to find a pair of pants that I could fit into.

Waiting In Soldotna

2011-07-12T09:39:00.002-08:00

Sarah and Sean are on a halibut charter from Ninilchick right now. I'm waiting in Soldotna to drive them home to Anchorage. I just had a waffle and I'm getting ready to go across the street to a bakery. I can only hope that while I'm out of the room they can get the intervention set up.

Sarah Palin's Sister Is Still The Next Post. In This Post, We Live And Don't Learn

2011-07-11T13:37:00.000-08:00

Quick update, I don't have time to tell you everything I've eaten this month, or how it makes me feel, but you can search this blog for Doritos, grease, and self-loathing to get some idea.
In other news, The Washington Post, is not above using our Community Service Patrol as a subtle, unspoken, metaphor for Congressional blind-leading-the-blind-off-a-cliff.

I Don't Have A Title For This Post, But The Next One Might Be Called Riding In A Car With Sarah Palin's Sister

2011-07-10T23:31:00.001-08:00

Sarah and Sean had their reception as planned on the 3rd of July. There was a lovely mix of friends, relatives, food and pleasant weather. There was no cheesecake, but there was a cake made out of cheese, and a flag made out of cake.

More about the next few days in the next few days, but can you believe this, I'm in Google+, are you? Want to be?

Balking

2011-07-07T10:23:00.000-08:00

Roger Clemens is on trial for obstruction of Congress, so how is Mitch Mcconnell a free man?

TrendSpotting

2011-07-05T09:49:00.002-08:00

I think wearing pith helmets to weddings is really catching on. I just wore mine to a second wedding just this year.

Summer Vacation

2011-06-29T08:20:00.001-08:00

My vacation started today and I didn't have to wait for the alarm to go off. Actually, I never have to wait for the alarm to go off because the dogs are always going off. Bernie, the Pomeranian, is often startled by things that flit by, or rather, through, his mind.
So, I'm up early to contemplate how much work remains to be done before the reception this Sunday. I suppose it would be more effective to stop contemplating, and blogging about contemplating, and just do the work.
Oh, work, that reminds me, I've cajoled a very nice, and very competent woman into running my route while I'm gone. What a pity for my customers that my vacation is only two weeks.

Extra, Don't Read All About It

2011-06-26T20:30:00.000-08:00

I'm not saying we don't do yard work, what I'm saying is that when I started pulling out weeds in the front yard, I found six newspapers spread over the last two years and the lawn. Oh, and a shoe. That's still there. I didn't want to get too close in case there was a paperboy next to it.

Leaving Money On The Table

2011-06-23T18:36:00.000-08:00

According to Planet Money, Americans tip about 40 billion dollars a year. That's a lot of money that's not going to our oligarchs. It won't be long now before the new etiquette is to tip for bailouts.

"Putting The Chart Before The Course"

2011-06-22T21:29:00.000-08:00

I love you Indexed, but I'm seeing someone else tonight.

Here's A Perfect Place For A Good Title; I Wish I'd Thought Of One. Of Course, I Am Sleepy

2011-06-22T07:32:00.001-08:00

Sometimes falling asleep is like catching a bus. There's a moment when you could fall asleep, but the moment passes while you read or watch TV*, and then the moment's gone, and you have to wait for it to come around again. To ride this metaphor a little further, when the chance does come around, it might not be the express ride to morning you hoped for, but a local with a lot of stops along the way. And maybe a dog riding next to you that doesn't like to share the seat.

*Jim Gaffigan:It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like... "I stayed up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?"

A Tree Falls In The Forest And One Hand Claps

2011-06-20T10:17:00.000-08:00

Popular Science magazine has an article this month that asks how we would transition from fossil fuels to clean sustainable energy if engineers made the decisions instead of politicians and businessmen. But is it science to talk about a fantasy world?

Baby (Einsteins) Got Back?

2011-06-19T08:11:00.001-08:00

I listened to a Scientific American podcast explaining how the laws of physics impose physical limits on human intelligence. The talk involved neurons, axons and ion channels, mice and cows. One way to increase intelligence, the speaker said, would be to have fatter axons, but that would require consuming more calories. If all it took to be smart was eating too much and having a fat axon, I should be a genius.
But, no. Do you remember a while ago we bought some tie-downs for dummies? We went to the dump again this week, and since we couldn't find them, we had to buy new tie-downs.

On This Date In History

2011-06-15T00:01:00.001-08:00

We moved into our house on June 15th, 1981, 30 years ago today.

Not Exactly The Center For Science In The Public Interest

2011-06-14T17:28:00.001-08:00

Neuro-marketers are using fMRI's to monitor brain's reactions as "patients" watch commercials in order to make ads that are completely irresistible. It's as if small pox went to medical school.
Last night there was a show on The Science Channel about quantum loops and what came before the big bang. Here's the weird part; it was a rerun.

Did You Hear The One About Elizabeth Taylor?

2011-06-12T13:20:00.000-08:00

If so, you must have been standing in my head when I made it up this morning. I said she'd been married so many times they were telling her age by counting the rings. Although, I'm not sure I didn't hear it somewhere else first. And it might not have been about Elizabeth Taylor when I made it up, if I did make it up.

Feedback request

2011-06-08T19:02:00.000-08:00

This blog was recently optimized for mobile devices. Did it make any difference? Do I have any mobile users, or does my readership skew older? How many of you still read it on your typewriter?

You Always Can't Get What You Want

2011-06-08T18:56:00.000-08:00

My yard is starting to be like a banana, and not because it's an assimilated Asian (it hates being called Oriental) but because, as Charley Weaver said, once you peel a banana and throw away the bone, there's nothing left. So, I had professionals (well, lawn professionals, they weren't wearing lab coats and ties) come in and dethatch my lawn and treat it for weeds. Now the moss and dandelions are gone, all the flowers we planted were killed, and, it turns out, our lawn never did have any actual grass. I've never really understood T.S. Eliot, but man, I know a wasteland when I see one.

Nothing Daunted

2011-06-05T16:30:00.000-08:00

No surprise, two Smith College girls tame the frontier and get rave reviews.

But as someone once said here, "Then again, it's not like we had a lot of competition, I mean, seriously, Mt. Holyoke, what a joke."

Oddly Enough

2011-06-05T12:13:00.000-08:00

Does it strike you as odd that Mitt Romney can ignore the ignorant and irrational part of his party to believe in global warming while still believing the Book of Mormon? Or that he calls himself Mitt?

What Kind Of A Person

2011-06-04T15:44:00.000-08:00

What kind of a person would complain about a volunteer reading a free audiobook that was obtained via a free app? I think we all know the answer to that. So, while acknowledging the pettiness of this, can I just say that I thought I was listening to one of those text-to-voice programs until it started yawning.